RUN-AMUCK.COM

After nearly 5 years at Ackerman McQueen (the advertising company that I’ve been working for) I’ve called it quits. It’s been a long and educational run in this job and I’ve certainly had opportunities to stretch my skills into areas that I probably wouldn’t have been able to elsewhere.

The ability to perform many different functions within the organization, such as strategic consultant, information architect, lead developer, system administrator and department manager, has been challenging and rewarding.

Naturally, there have been many occasions where the stress of the workload and deadlines has been unreasonable. But I’ve continually been a team player and stuck it out to reach a successful result.

However, I had allowed myself to become unbalanced in life and had given too much focus to the job and not enough focus to my family and personal affairs. This appears to have been passively permissive for Ackerman McQueen to increasingly demand more of my personal time.

The effects of that situation have been severe over time.

Relationships have suffered the most.

A good example:

In 2006, an F4 tornado ripped through Caruthersville, Missouri destroying my grandmother’s house with her in it.

Miraculously, she survived that event with one a couple of cuts and bruises. But it was far more devastating to her sense of self and her health as a result.

I was too deeply embedded in the job at Ackerman McQueen to give her the support that I could have and should have.

My job had become my master. Instead of drawing the line with the job and taking time off to do the right thing, I allowed AM to take precedence.

My grandmother, who had always been there for me, was in need and I was too absorbed in the job. I only took a long weekend to drive to Caruthersville several weeks after the tornado and try to help clean up what looked like a complete war zone.

What I saw and experienced was shocking. Trees were twisted apart and broken across the streets and yards. All that was once furniture and belongings inside of homes … and the homes as well … was now rubble and torn fragments in pieces and heaps.

The house and the town that was so much a part of my youth and my memories was lain to waste.

And worst of all, my grandmother’s spirit was broken.

My grandmother’s living conditions had become desolate. She had lost everything that she had worked her whole live for and was proud of. Now all she had wasn’t even hers – a suffocatingly tiny FEMA trailer sitting on the remains of her property. Inside were a few pictures and small items that she had found in the rubble and saved.

My mom and step-dad had done so much to try and help. They bought her a car to replace the one that was destroyed and mom had traveled from Florida to Missouri to take care of her and do whatever she could.

But my grandmother and I shared a special bond. I was her first grandchild and we were very close. She never complained to me that I wasn’t present enough but I know that she would have appreciated and benefited from me being there and doing more.

My heart was broken for her and I felt so helpless. I wanted to cry but needed to be strong and supportive for her (or for myself). I should have stayed longer or brought her home to Texas with me. I should have spent the time with her to sooth her and talk with her and BE with her. I should have really HELPED her. But instead, I hurried back home to my job. That was my fault — my poor judgement — my weakness.

Her state of mind and her health continued to decline. She moved in with my aunt and uncle, leaving her town of Caruthersville and relocating to Kennett, MO.

In September of 2007, her heart finally gave out.

She was airlifted to a hospital in Arkansas. I spoke to her on the telephone a couple of days before she died. She sounded in good spirits and I thought that she was going to be okay – that she would be able to leave the hospital within the week.

I didn’t take time off and go see her. As usual, there was a “crisis” at work. Ackerman McQueen demanded my attention and I obeyed.

Then I got the call. My step-dad broke the news to me. My mom was too upset. My grandmother had died. As quickly as that — she was gone. Her 77 years ended in a moment.

And I never said goodbye. I didn’t put her first and I will always, always regret that. I could have and should have done so much more.

How could I allow a job to take precedence over the life of someone so dear to me?

A company is like a hungry beast that will take, without hesitation (and often without thanks), everything a person is willing to give to it. It’s up to the individual to manage where the line is drawn and to maintain the work/personal balance. I failed at that and gave too much to the company.

The time has come to change and to remember the lessons of the experience.

I am getting re-married in June. We are becoming a new family and now is the time to change the balance and set it right. Family comes first before the job.

In order to do that, I’ve had to leave Ackerman McQueen.

I freely take responsibility for my shortcomings in maintaining the balance but it’s also important to note that Ackerman McQueen is a highly dysfunctional company. The company has a sort of group-delusion where they honestly believe that personal lives are a distant second in priority. It’s really sick. (Welcome to advertising, right?)

AM doesn’t even have an official HR department — for a reason. HR departments are meant to look out for the human resources. AM prefers to function as if the resources aren’t human.

So enough of that.

I am human. And I’m choosing to go to work for another company that better recognizes that. I choose to live, share with family and friends and to emphasize that these things are the most important in life.

Goodbye, Ackerman McQueen. It’s been educational and it’s been emotional.

Now I’m on to the next (healthier) adventure!

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Tags: advertising company, caruthersville missouri, cuts and bruises, developer system, do the right thing, drawing the line, f4 tornado, grandmother, information architect, personal affairs, personal time, precedence, sense of self, strategic consultant, taking time, team player, thoughts, time relationships, war zone, workload

This entry was posted on Saturday, April 25th, 2009 at 11:26 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.